


Every Human But You

by CanDanAndPhilNot (EnbyBeeGee)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alien Phil, Aliens, Human Dan Howell, M/M, Phandom Christmas Fic Exchange, Phil Lester - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 14:19:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17122973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnbyBeeGee/pseuds/CanDanAndPhilNot
Summary: Philistine, or as the humans would say, Phil, is failing quite miserably at befriending a human to satisfy his superior. That is until he meets an interesting human that catches his eye at the local library.





	Every Human But You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [megiaolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/megiaolf/gifts).



“Philistine! You need to turn in your updates by next week.”

The voice coming from the machine sounded muffled and too high-pitched coming from the screen Phil was currently sat in front of. Weeks had passed since he first arrived on this planet but all of these weird human senses still felt so foreign.  Never in his 3000 Rilents did he ever have such problems figuring out a new body. God, even the word _rilents_ sounded weird in this new subconscious. Words from his native vocabulary just didn’t fit well with this new sack of muscle and nerve endings. His human brain supplied the word _years._ Now that sounded better.  
  


“I’m sorry, sir!” Phil replied to his superior, still startling himself with his high pitched voice. “Befriend one human within the next seven rotations of the planet. You won’t be disappointed!  I’ve never failed a job, and I’m not about to now,” Phil finished, tilting his head up in the thick air.  
  


“Out,” his Superior barked and the screen went blank. _Holy shit._

Closing the metallic, paper-thin laptop, Phil let out a long breath. Seven rotations, _one week,_ was all he had to befriend one of these strange creatures. Philestine, or as the people of earth would say, Phil, excelled at his job. There was no one else from his galaxy who had been to so many different planets, and succeeded at each one. The job itself never posed much of a challenge for him: Learn the language and culture, pass a quick three day simulation at the main station, then assess if the planet and its inhabitants posed any threat to the universe so the decision of expelling the planet or not could be made.  
  


Phil leaned back in the office chair and dragged his hands over his face. _How am I supposed to befriend one of these humans? They all seem so shut out from each other._ It didn’t help that every time Phil left his small flat in London his body decided to act up. _Anxiety,_ his brain said. Anxiety was another foreign feeling. Human emotions were strange and all over the place, whereas on his own planet everything was simple. Although the human body was not too different physically from other forms he had taken on, Phil still couldn’t get use to the goddamn _feelings._ It seemed like everything he did made him feel something different.  
  


Phil reached into the pocket of his too-tight jeans and pulled out a cellphone. _At least the technology is simple._ With a sigh he moved his fingers over the smooth screen bringing up a search engine. He searched “Things to do in my area”.  
  


_Paddington Library. I could do some more history research. Maybe I can find something that looks better than what I’ve learned already._ Even though Phil was failing quite miserably at finding a human, there was no way he would fail with how much he’s learned about the planet. And to be frank, Earth’s fate wasn’t looking good. Genocide, climate change, and _a lot_ of political scandals did not make for a good case. But maybe, _maybe_ , Phil could find something that would make the planet worth saving.  
  


Without wasting too much time, Phil grabbed a jacket and his bag and headed for the library.  
  


  
Not for the first time, Phil regretted choosing to live in the city. It definitely had its benefits, like not having to travel far to be around the humans, but he also hated being around the humans.  
  


As he walked down the pavement, people of all colors shapes and sizes passed him without a second glance. The social construct was infuriating. How was he supposed to make friends when everyone was ignoring him?  
  


“Excuse me, sir?” said a small voice from below.    
  


Phil glanced down to see a small girl in a pink dress.

“Yes?”

“Hi! I’m selling these silly hats I made to raise money for people less fortunate. Would you like to buy one?” She gestured to a table filled with hats behind her.  
  


“Of course I would!” Finally, some kindness!  
  


He browsed the selection for a minute and picked up a green headband with springs and blue fuzzy balls attached to them. “This one is quite silly,” Phil mused.  
  


“That one is three pounds.” The little girl smiled.  
  


“I’ll take it!” Phil fished his wallet out of his pocket and handed the girl three coins before placing the band on his head.     
  


“Thank you!” the girl hopped up and down the money clinking in her cupped hands.  
  


With a smile on his face, Phil continued toward the library.  Finally, he reached an old, faded, white building with columns at each end  and a new sign saying Paddington Library. Once inside, Phil made his way to the nonfiction section and picked out a few books. He found himself engulfed in the literature as he took notes on his notepad. Sadly, his human brain failed to retain much information.  
  


“You look like an alien.”

Phils head snapped up at the soft voice that was too close to his sensitive ear.  
  


“What?” Phil gasped, his heart beating faster than usual making his head spin. Beside him stood a boy with the most beautiful brown curls and a smile that made Phil’s heart contract. The boy stood back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. It’s just...your head band. It kinda makes you look like an alien.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“I didn’t think you were,” the boy laughed making a small crevice appear in his cheek. “It’s cute.”

Phils face began to heat up. _Cute?_ __  
  


“Are you studying for a class?”

“Um, yeah something like that.”

“I’m being rude, sorry, I’m Dan." He pulled out the chair next to Phil, sat down, and held out his hand.  
  


A human greeting. “I’m Phil, it’s nice to make your acquaintance.”

Dan’s hand connected with his spreading warmth from Phils palm all the way up to his elbow.     
  


“I’ve never seen you in here before, are you new to London?”

“Ugh, yeah.”

“I can tell. You’ve got that northern accent.” Dan propped his arm on the table and leaned his face into his open hand making Phils stomach do flips.  
  


“Howell! What did I tell you about talking to patrons?” The voice of an older lady came from behind them.  
  


Dan shot up out of his seat. “Sorry, gotta get back to work. I hope to see you again.” Dan closed one of his eyes quickly. _A wink._  
  


As Phil watched the boy walk away with a swing to his hips, his mind swirled wondering what kind of interaction _that_ was. Up until that point, every single contact Phil had with a human was very calm and quick, mostly cashiers and shopkeepers. But whatever _this_ was, was definitely not normal. Nothing had ever made Phils body feel so warm and frantic. He tried turning back to his books but found his brain distracted at the thought of seeing Dan again. What the woman had said to the boy indicated that he worked in the library. Phil could go find him. _Then what? What would I say to him? Should I try to befriend him? Is this my chance?_ __  
  


After failing multiple times to continue his studies, Phil closed his books and took them to be checked out. There was no point in trying to do that here, Phil would take them home to read. But as Phil made his way to the counter, a sign hanging from the ceiling that read _Check Out,_ he noticed Dan sitting at the desk scanning books and hitting keys on a computer. _I could leave them here. There should be another library around. And there is always the internet._  
  


“Ready to check out?”

Phil lifted his head up to see Dan looking at him, a smile plastered on his face.  
  


“Yes!” _There’s no going back now I guess._     
  


“ _The French revolution, The American Civil War, How Technology Changed The 20_ _th_ _Century, Common House Plants._ Wow, that’s a wide variety of subjects,” Dan mused as he scanned the books and placed them back on the counter.“Do you have a library card?”

“A what?”

“A library card,” Dan laughed, “you know, the thing you need to take these books home.”

“Oh, sorry, I’ve never had one of those.” Phil shifted on his feet.  
  


“You’ve never had a library card.” Dan tone was off, like it wasn’t a question.  
  


“Can I get one?”

“Of course, I’ll need some info from you.” Dan started typing.  
  


Phil spouted off his name and other details as Dan asked for it. Quickly, Dan sifted through some drawers, pulled out a plastic card, typed some numbers in the computer, and handed Phil the card. “There you are, Phil, your very first library card.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re all ready to go, then.”

Phil smiled and picked up his books. “Thank you, Dan. It was very nice meeting you.”

“I really hope to see you again soon. Have a great day!”  

“You too.” Phil smiled and rushed out of the library, his palms sweaty as they struggled to grip the books.  
  


For the next few days Phil’s mind was foggy. Thinking straight was a struggle as every time he started getting somewhere with his research, his thoughts circled back to the boy with the curly hair. Phil had to go back and see him. Not only was this a chance to complete a task in his overall mission but, Phil also just wanted to feel that rush in his veins again. That boy had sent a vicious desire in him that Phil had never known humans were physically capable of feeling.    
  


“That’s it,” Phil said to himself as he gathered up his belongings. “I’m heading back to that library.”

By the time Phil approached the old building, his side cramped and his lungs begged his legs to stop moving so fast. Before he could think too much about it, Phil entered the library. He scanned the front room as he walked towards a sign that read _Return._ After depositing his books in the slot of the trashcan-like box, Phil started scanning the aisles, trying to be as discreet as possible. In his mind, Phil felt as though he was being a bit creepy. _He did say he wanted to see me again. Or he hoped he would? This damn memory needs an upgrade._  
  


Phil turned down yet another aisle and stopped short when he noticed a mop of brown hair sticking up over the top of a cart filled with books. Slowly, Phil made his way down the aisle, halting occasionally to pull a book off the shelf to scan the back cover, just to place it back on the shelf so he could take a few steps closer to Dan.  
  


“Phil?”

His heart dropped and he looked up from a book to see Dan standing up from behind the cart, a small smile on his face.

“Oh, Dan! It’s nice to see you again.”

Dan made his way down the aisle towards Phil, brushing some dust off his knees. “Can I help you find anything?”

“Maybe, I think this might be what I’m looking for though.”

“A Delia Smith cookbook?”

“Ugh, yeah, I’m not much of a cook. I guess.”

“Don’t you have a phone you could look up recipes on?” Dan leaned against the shelf of books.  
  


Phil sputtered, “Well yeah! But, you know, I like books. The way the feel.” He bounced the book in his hands. “The way they smell.” He opened the book and took a big dusty breath in.  
  


Dan let out a bark. “The way they smell, yeah?”

Heat rushed up Phils neck into his face. “Don’t judge me on my smell preferences.”

“No judgement here, I promise. I don’t kink shame.”

A moment passed before Philremembered he was interrupting Dan’s work. “Sorry, I should let you...” he pointed to the cart.  
  


Dan followed Phil’s gesture. “Oh, yeah. Actually, I should be able to leave after I put those away. Do you maybe, I don’t know, want to get a coffee or something when I’m done?” Dan twirled a brown lock around his finger. “If you want to that is.”

“Yes!” Phil answered too quick. _Am I coming on too strong?_ __  
  


Dan’s smile widened. “Great! Meet me out front in about, say, fifteen minutes?”

“Of course, yeah, awesome!”  

Dan returned to his books and Phil quickly made his way to the check out with his cook book.  
  
A few minutes later, Phil sat outside on a bench twittling his thumbs. Nerves bounced around inside his chest as he stared at his watch.  
  
_Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen minutes. Was he coming? Did Dan rethink his offer?_  
  
“Hey there.”  
  
Phil stood up at the sound of Dan’s voice and turned around, “Hi!”  
  
“There’s a coffee place down this way, if you’re still up for it.” Dan pointed down the street.  
  
“Of course. Awesome!”  
  
Phil never expected to have such an amazing time with Dan that afternoon. Sure Phil had liked Dan when they first met, but Dan held an energy that made Phil’s entire perspective of Earth flip upside down. Out of every other planet, there had never been a being that made Phil smile and laugh until his face hurt, and make him feel as if he never wanted to leave.       
  
They walked back towards Phil’s flat, tummies full and hearts on high.  
  
“I really hope we hang out again soon,” Dan said bumping his hip into Phil’s as they arrived to Phil's building.  
  
“I really hope we can too Dan. You’re an awesome human.”  
  
Dan let out a laugh, “And you’re such a strange one. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you.”  
  
  
“Yeah?” Phil smiled sheepishly looking at the ground.  
  
“You’re other worldly, Phil.”     
  
Startled, Phil looked up to Dan’s glistening eyes. Does he know? I feel like he can see right through me…  
  
“I know this is a bit forward of me,” Dan glanced off to the side, “but can I hug you?”  
  
A hug. An intimate gesture that conveyed so many different emotions. Hello, goodbye, my condolences, or…a way to show affection.  
  
Without thinking about it anymore, Phil crashed into Dan wrapping his arms around the humans waist. Electricity hit every nerve ending in Phil’s body replicating a euphoria Phil never dreamed of feeling. At that moment Phil knew, he would rewrite the bloody genocidal history of Earth and pretend the world was exactly how Phil felt hugging Dan, so a beautiful soul such as his could continue to live weather Phil would be there or not.    
  


 

  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @hollidans (usually @mlmdan) for being my awesome beta!


End file.
